The poem “Depression, Too, Is a Kind of Fire” is a piece by Taylor Mali. It is written from his perspective, detailing his experiences with his first wife, who he tragically lost to suicide after her long struggle with depression. This heartbreaking poem details his regrets in not saving her and his failure to see her behaviour for what it was: a cry for help.

“She worked out at the gym five times a week / and smoked as many packs of ultra lights, / and I’m an idiot because when I asked her why, / She said, Because I hate myself and I want to die. / And I laughed and said something I don’t recall, / something completely and utterly insufficient.”

This stanza of the poem describes Mali’s wife engaging in troubling behaviour, like working out obsessively and engaging in heavy smoking. When confronted, she gives him a troubling answer, one that he brushes off with a laugh and an “insufficient” reply. Of course, at this point, Mali was probably unaware of his wife’s mental state; he labels his past self as an “idiot”, so it is clear to assume that he knows he was in the wrong. However, it was moments like these where his wife was being truthful to him about her depression, no matter how crass it may have sounded. Moments that he ignored.

The poem is mainly centered around imagery surrounding the events of 9/11. Mali and his wife lived in an apartment building right across from the Twin Towers, and they had witnessed tens of people jumping from the buildings to avoid being burned alive. Mali ponders this—the act of jumping to one’s death instead of burning—in the poem’s final lines:

 “And I was going to write a poem / about how fire is the only thing / that can make a person jump out a window. // And maybe I’m an idiot for thinking I could have saved her— / call me her knight in shattered armor— / could have loved her more, / or told the truth about children. // But depression, too, is a kind of fire. / And I know nothing of either.”

Mali’s comparison of depression to fire is striking and realizable, especially with the added context of a burning building. He recognizes that his wife chose to “jump” (i.e. end her life) instead of staying around and being burnt (i.e. continue struggling with depression). Mali mulls over the fact that he could have prevented his wife from committing suicide. He could have responded in the right way in their interactions, or he could have paid more attention. But ultimately, he knows nothing of depression and how pervasive it was in his wife’s life.

“Depression, Too, Is a Kind of Fire” is a poem that paints a picture of grief and regret from Mali, who is left with only the memory of his wife and what he could have done to help her. But there was no true way he could have put out the flames.

Feature Image: Photo by Chris Karidis on Unsplash