Disorganized attachment is a complex, oft-misunderstood attachment style that can profoundly affect one’s mental, relational, and even physical well-being. In developmental psychology, attachment refers to the emotional bonds we form in early childhood, particularly with primary caregivers. These early experiences significantly shape how we navigate relationships, manage emotions, and cope with stress as adults.

As documented well in Dr. Nicole LePera’s (@theholisticpsychologist on Instagram) short insightful introductory video, disorganized attachment, a less common albeit particularly challenging style, emerges when a child’s caregiver is a source of both comfort and fear, leading to contradictory and chaotic emotional, psychological and behavioural responses in interpersonal relationships. Unlike secure attachment, where a child feels safe and supported, disorganized attachment results from an environment marked by unpredictability and emotional inconsistency.

For many, the attachment system becomes dysregulated due to prolonged exposure to emotional or physical trauma in childhood. Indeed, children exposed to neglect or abuse are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles, including disorganized attachment. The brain, in these cases, becomes wired to expect danger and uncertainty in relationships, even in situations that do not necessarily warrant fear or distress. These children experience confusion because the caregiver, who is expected to be a source of safety, simultaneously induces fear and/or distress. As a result, the child is unable to establish a clear and consistent toolkit for navigating their own unique emotional needs in the intimate relationships, friendships, and stressful situations they enter and experience later in life.

In adulthood, disorganized attachment may manifest in relationships as a constant push-pull dynamic. People with this attachment style may crave closeness and become easily attached but simultaneously feel overwhelmed by, and even afraid of, intimacy, leading to cycles of intense connection followed by withdrawal. According to Dr. LaPera, physical and/or emotional closeness can be extremely triggering due to the “lack of control” felt in the overwhelm and unknowns opened up from the vulnerability of connecting.

This may result in emotionally dysregulated behaviours such as starting conflicts, pulling away/self-isolating, obsessively clinging, being controlling, and/or acting extremely jealous. Early life experiences of parental unreliability, disorganisation and volatility make it extremely difficult to trust others, contributing to maladaptive, self-sabotaging behaviors, such as choosing unstable partners, giving mixed signals, acting avoidant, or even dissociating in response to stress.

Disorganized attachment is also closely linked to the development of various mental health conditions. Individuals with this attachment style are more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder (BPD) due to their tendency to quickly shift between anxious/insecure and avoidant/detached behaviour. This heightened vulnerability stems from their difficulties with emotional regulation, self-image instability, and chronic fears of abandonment and betrayal. Individuals may struggle to find healthy ways of self-soothing and seek external validation to fill deeper trauma-induced emotional voids, making them more susceptible to toxic and/or codependent relationships.

Therapeutic approaches that help facilitate more secure attachment often focus on cultivating trust and safety both interpersonally and intrapersonally. Behavioral conditioning can help individuals with disorganized attachment by gradually reshaping their emotional responses and relational patterns. Through repeated positive interactions and experiences of consistent emotional support, individuals can learn to associate closeness and intimacy with a sense of safety rather than fear. By reinforcing “secure” behaviors—such as trust, vulnerability, and healthy boundaries—over time, this conditioning helps disrupt the fear-driven cycles of avoidance, insecurity, dependency, and instability, encouraging a more consistent attachment style. For many that fall into this attachment category, they need to “do” their way into healing rather than just “talk”, recognize and understand these patterns, practice self-compassion all the while actively repairing within relationships rather than avoiding the triggers that arise in connection.

Trauma-informed therapy, such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing (SE), or Internal Family Systems (IFS), can also help individuals process unresolved trauma and rewire their brains to build healthier attachment patterns. In addition, attachment-based therapy plays a key role, helping clients explore their relationship dynamics, heal from their traumatic past, get out of their “comfort zones” and nurture healthier bonds. Building self-awareness, learning emotional regulation strategies, and establishing a foundation of trust with a trauma-informed therapist are essential steps toward healing.

Watch the video here.

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