Children Born of Rape Face a Painful Legacy
A friend of mine once told me that she was the product of her mother’s rape. Staring at her reflection in the mirror, she wondered aloud, “Which are the rapist’s parts?”
Although rape is profoundly traumatic, relatively little has been said about the lives of children born from it.
As psychologist Andrew Solomon writes in his book, Far From the Tree, children conceived of rape are more likely to suffer from severe psychological disorders, the most common of which are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, and anxiety.
They face many challenges both before and after birth. Research shows that maternal stress severely affects embryological development. Many women who are raped opt to take antidepressants to help them cope, which can harm the fetus.
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 32,000 pregnancies in the United States occur each year as a result of rape, approximately 12,000 of which are carried to term and raised by their birth mothers.
After birth, the children’s lives don’t get any easier. Researchers Elisa van Ee and Rolf J. Kleber identified the post-partum period as a significant mental health risk for children born of rape.
These children often develop poor parent-child relationships, as violent rape can affect maternal capacity to care for the child and to form a loving bond. Researchers report that such circumstances may lead to abusive parenting or neglect. The children themselves may also feel responsible for their fathers’ actions, living in guilt and embarrassment. As Angélique, a child born as a result of rape, states in a Montreal Gazette report:
“I’ve always felt rejected by my mother and the rest of the family. And now she feels responsible for the problems I’m having, and I feel guilty about that.”
Children born of rape also face great social stigma. They are described as carriers of the deviant genes, and are often ostracized by families and communities. In instances occurring during wartime, many societies have adopted hateful labels such as “Russian brat” in Germany, “Devil’s children” in Rwanda, “Children of shame” in East Timor, “Monster babies” in Nicaragua, and “Dust of life” in Vietnam.
Yet many mothers are starting to speak out against the negative perceptions and stigma associated with children of rape. One of these mothers, Shauna Prewitt, claims that women are almost never consulted in media shaming of rape conception.
Even more noticeable is the growing voice of the children of rape themselves. The world’s attention was recently drawn to Valerie Gatto, a child of rape who competed for the title of Miss USA in June, 2014. She now works to educate young women about protecting themselves from sexual assault.
Without change to media and public perceptions, women will continue to face scrutiny over choosing to keep their children, and the children themselves will continue to be blamed and victimized.
– Sara Bencekovic, Contributing Writer
Feature: W H on Flickr, Creative Commons
First: Tommy Wong on Flickr, Creative Commons
Second: Skip on Flickr, Creative Commons
Thank you for this fine article. I’m in my 60s, and I just learned I too, am a product of rape. I was given up for adoption, which I am very grateful for. But, I still suffered from rejection issues most of my life.
2 years ago, at the age of 53 I learned I was conceived by an act of rape.
Very troubling to learn of, it shed light on so many things from childhood to current.
My biological mother and her husband raised me (If you want to call it that).
There are so many aspects that are born into this, I cannot possibly post it all here.
It certainly has not been a “loving” life. Although, I find myself always striving for just that.
Although very incomplete, I thank you for the article.
Many Blessings
How do we get pass the fact that,my mother had to take care of me by herself,his parents and my grandparents got together,and decided not to ruin his life,but never did anything for me,I grew up with a stepdad,that beat the hell out of me daily,his people telling me,go away,I didn’t belong etc,etc,
I’m a product of a rape. That women was raped at 12 or 13 yrs old. Her grandma took away her baby cuz of what people would say.
She grew up with her great grandma until her aunt, mad at her, revealed the truth trying to hurt her. What she didn’t know is that the product of rape was strong and made of stone that made her stronger!!! I’m a mom of 4 precious boys – their my life!!! I don’t have communication with any of my family, pretty much I don’t have any family besides my boys!!! I was 13 when I found out no one knew. I won’t ever tell anyone cuz I feel I’ll break !!!
My son was conceived as a result of rape. I don’t know how to protect him. He is 3 now. I don’t know what to tell him when he grows up.
While my mother was pregnant (before my birth), her boyfriend killed himself. I considered this man my father and I dealt with guilt of his death for 25 years, for I somehow felt responsible.
A man approched my mother with questions about me at her work. Memories returned to her of this guy giving her a ride home after her friend’s wedding. She realized this man drug raped her and he alone had known I was his child. We did the dna tests and unfortunatly this man was my father. This jerk waited until I was an adult to contact us; because he had talked to a lawyer and didn’t want to get in trouble and have to pay childsupport. This was almost 15 years ago now.
I am a bastard and it’s made me stronger, but I give no credit to the devil that spawned me.
I am currently facing the same thing Shelley! I have an 8 year old little boy. I’ve been dreading it and thinking about what I can tell him since the day he was born. I’m still none the wise.. but I do know that when the time comes to tell him, I’ll have my best friend by my side to help.
Just told I was conceived by rape. Life has been very hard, I am devastated.
I’m 51 and just found out several months ago. I have the same problems as the article says with depression, anxiety etc. So much crap and mystery makes sense now! My mother (who had the balance of a pro water skier) said she “fell” off a horse at seven months, the only “attempt” she’s admitted to. My problem…dealing with it NOW, I’m very conflicted and more self loathing than ever.
I recently found out the same for myself. Why do you feel sorry for yourselves? We didn’t endure the pain and trauma that our mothers did. I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel a little sorry for each other considering the circumstances. When I recently learned about this I initially sank into my passenger seat. I didn’t hear it from my mother either I heard it from my sister and I’m sorry but to those mothers who are scared to tell their children, why tell them? You’re not protecting them from anything by telling them and you might confuse preconceived notions of their own existence like some of us have. I love my mother and I’m gonna make it up to her the best I can by being a caring and responsible son that she can depend on because I don’t want her to regret anything that happened to her or to suffer from anything to that extent. Much love people.
I am so devistated for this topic. My 9 yr olds dad, found out he was born of rape from his mom who died of cancer. I had been in the family with him for 14 years, and 5 severe breakups.i get it now how he was treated by a stepdad long ago, but his mom didn’t stop the abuse on him. And he in turn, abused me and we are again, apart. I just wanted to seek websites to make sense of this. My thoughts are with all that suffer this truth. Thanks
I am 17 and I found out I was conceived by rape because the man I grew up thinking was my father left. I don’t know how to feel..hurt? Confused? I dont know.. I’m just glad I have a good support system.
My father, now 71 years old, is a child conceived through rape. As a young man, he learned that his father was his mom’s first cousin.
I learned of this as a teen. Now 47, I have found my father’s half siblings and made contact. They never knew of my dad’s existence. Shocking for them to learn their father was a rapist
I am 45 I never met my father. I just found out today that my father raped my mother. I am only here because I was born in 1972. I am not sure how to feel about what I just learned. I kind of wish I didn’t know.
To the 45 year-old. I too am 45 born in 72 and found out the same thing several years ago. My father and I never met either. I am also really confused at how to feel. I read your post trying to recall if I’d posted earlier and forgot. #Not alone
My sister is 63 and was a product of rape. my mother was 19 at the time and it was in the mid 50s and you didn’t talk about it. she was forced to keep her baby and she never fully accepted my sister. her father went to prison for other issues and my own father adopted her however, my sister has a deep-rooted knowledge she was never wanted, she has psychological problems she’s bipolar from her father’s side,and because of not having that bond with y mother, she’s made wrong choices in life because… The list goes on… it’s very sad. now that my mother is gone, she has gotten worse. and I wonder till this day, does she actually know how she was conceived…….. maybe if she knew that would answer a lot of questions for her because it sure does answer a lot of questions for me!
I found out at the age of 17 that I was a product of rape. I was blessed that my mother met and married a wonderful man who accepted me wholly and loved me as his own child. It may have been easier for all of us as dad met mom when I was 3 months old. My biological father was raised in the same town as my mother and they went to high school together. He came from a good family, but had the reputation of being a ladies man, and wild. He gave mom a ride home from a school dance and raped her in the car. My heart breaks for her, as she was a virgin and became pregnant from that horrible incident. I am so BLESSED that my mother and her family LOVED me in spite of the circumstances of my conception. I am normal, successful and well adapted without any mental issues. It may be that it is because I was loved unconditionally by all in my family and they never treated me differently than my other “younger” siblings. My mother told me that I was one of the best things that ever happened to her and she was grateful that God gave me to her. I do feel the need to be perfect and to do everything that I can to make-up to my wonderful mother for the horrible thing that happened to her; and my heart breaks for the torment that she went through during that time period. I learned recently that she had to go before the church to confess her sin of having a child out-of-wedlock and I think of how heartbreaking it was for her to do so knowing that it was not a case of choosing to do so; but a case of rape. They should have given her honor for allowing me to be born. I’m grateful to God for allowing me to be here and my intent is to make the best life that I can. To my fellow sister and brother conceived by rape; please know that we are NOT mistakes. God above gave us LIFE and allowed us to be here. I know that it can be hard and I may be an exception because of the love of my family; but know that GOD loves you and allowed you to come into this world. Take care and know that you are not alone!!!!!
I’m 44 and was just told I was conceived by rape from a known family associate. As a child I was told that my mother had an affair with a man whom was married to her best friend, my mother and this man had an affair and that was how I came to be. Now just two days ago I was told that this man forced my mother to have sex and that’s how I was concerived. I’m so in a fog right now. I digested that I was conceived by an adulterous relationship but now after 44 years my mother tells me that all these years people lied to me and I was conceived from rape from this man. OMG.. but I think I could have handled that as I continue on the same day my mother tells me that when she was having me I was breeched and the doctors came in and said to her that one of us would not make it. And if that be the case who would she want to save.. she said herself… my mother told me never wanted me. All my life I had been treated badly .. too much to write. Please pray for my weeping spirit
Everyday since I found out that my mother was raped, I think about the pain and trauma that she carried. She told me when I was 12 that my father was not my blood. Then, she told me at 15 that she conceived me through a date rape. She was 17 going on 18. He was 35. What a perv.
I was born in 1975. I’m sure it was much tougher and scarier to tell anyone. It’s 2018 and people still don’t want to believe a woman was actually raped. I know that he had two sons at the time. And I’ve been itching to find out my medical history and curious to know what my biological looks like.
Yet, I’m afraid that if I did find them, they’d be a family of criminals. Definitely don’t want any unwanted people around me!
I just gave birth three weeks ago to a beautiful boy conceived from rape. My heart breaks for the pain he will have to endure when he learns of how he got here. The choice I am left with now is either lose my husband and keep my child or keep my husband and lose my child. How can I make the right decision? What is the right decision? How can I protect his sweet little heart from pain? I am lost and broken.
I was the victim of sexual abuse by an acquaintance of the family. I was only 13 when my daughter was born. She was given up for adoption 53 years ago. I’ve always wanted to make a connection with her but court records were sealed, and I thought I should not disturb her life. She found me recently when state laws were changed to allow adoptees access to court records. Understandably she was not prepared and distraught to learn the circumstances of her birth but contacted me anyway. We both hope for a positive relationship- I’m at a loss to ease the pain of her discovery.
Thank you very much for this article, it was very helpful. I am 33 and I learned about 3 months ago that I was conceived by rape while my 2 year old sister was present.
I am 34 and just found out I am a product of rape. It all makes sense now all of the disconnect from my mother and now the question is answered why she gave me away but kept my siblings. Now I can understand why she threatened to drown me at age 1 if a family member didn’t take me. It never made sense the hate she could have for me. Now after meeting my mom as a grown up she left and said she was afraid of me. I never understood this as I’m not a violent or scary person but now I get it. I look just like my biological father. I’m sure that scared the life out of her. Thanks for the article.
The thing to remember is that we are victims,too. The act of rape by our”paternals,”gives us mothers and then takes them from (too many of us) at the same time. There is no hel greater, I feel, than living with a woman who feels she has the legitimate right to destroy you. We then have to turn around and be treated badly by others..
No. We didn’t do anything wrong.
Thank you for the article. Especially thank all for the comments, I’m not alone. I have learned that I’m a result of the rape when I was 53. I’m trying to find my biological father, my mother can’t help me with that. It is good just to know and read, that there are more people who can understand my feeling.
I was rapped at 15 by the woman’s brother I was babysitting for
I love my daughter but really I was to young to be a mother
I carried so much shame feeling it was my fault I didn’t tell anyone until 4 years ago I didn’t want people to label her .but she does have some of the mental problems you mentioned here .no I wasn’t the best mother but I love her and would go through it again just to be her mom .i had no other children I was afraid she would be mistreated if I did
I can’t find a support group. An online support group for adults who were born from rape. I need to talk to someone else. Especially with all this abortion stuff coming up. I’m so triggered. Anybody else
https://rcclv.org/support-groups/
All the women on here seeking help, I’m so proud of you. You are reaching out for self care and you are strong. Remember that it’s not all of you and that you have every right to feel scared. I’ve had a hard few days too but there is far more good in the world than evil. Love.
Thank you for posting this article!! I’ve felt so alone for the past two years. I learned 2 years ago at the ago of 48 that I am a product of rape. It has rocked my spirit and I started questioning every aspect of my life. My mother was 14 and the guy was a family friend. Two years ago my father passed away was when she told me. My father was the one that raped her and she allowed me to chase after him all my life. He was never there for me growing up. Every time he would come to town I’d go running for a chance to see him. No matter how much I tell myself I am I’m going to get through it, the feels of worthless and unloving and rejection won’t leave me alone. I’m happily married to someone who loves me unconditionally and I feel myself pulling away from him. I’ve distanced myself from friends and stopped volunteering. There are no support groups to go to where people can truly understand how I’m feeling. I’m turning 50 this year and I am on a mission to get help and to provide help to others. One day at a time…I will survive
This was extremely helpful and needed. I just found out Wednesday I am a product of rape by my mother. Well she confirmed it in an angry rant. She mentioned it once before again angrily but I was sure. I was ok with her anger because I’ve come to be use to that. I was not okay with being a profit of something and someone I am not like at all. Thanks for all the stories. It helped me realize I am not alone and we are not our sperm donors.
Everyone has a unique story to tell, each is different yet ends with the same product of rape, mother not so supportive or children born of rape suffer from reactive attachment disorder. I would love to start a support group. Most importantly, out of tragedy is a little bit of beauty. My birth father was a rapist, he’s dead now, but he was a rapist, I don’t know how many women he raped, I don’t know how many siblings I have, I have a lot of half-siblings all over the world. I was a product of rape, I found a sister who is a product of rape, we did our DNA tests and we are each other’s half-siblings, and we kind of look alike a little bit. I was raped by two teenage boys, don’t know who they are, my child, which is a beautiful incredible woman, who does suffer from anxiety, yet she has an incredible life oh, she wants to know who her father is, but how can we find out because she was a product of rape by two teenage boys. She was given a gift of DNA test kit, to see if she could find relatives but she refuses to use it because she doesn’t want to find out that the people that she came from are bad people, or being that she’s successful, she doesn’t want people coming to her asking for money or two get benefits off of her success, which I completely understand. I have a beautiful relationship with my daughter, at times it’s trained but she knows that I raised her to the best of my abilities, we were homeless, we were without food, my birth mother try to kill her, my birth mother tried to kill me, I have no relationship with my birth mother and she is referred to as either the birth mother or by her name Barbara which literally means stranger. I am grateful that I had stumbled upon this page, the wonderful people who have suffered as many have, and I’m going to do my best to start a support group. God’s love, God’s blessings, and only goodness to each and everyone of you that have commented, the person that wrote this piece and many many others.
I am 47 years old and just found out today that I am a product of rape. I have three older brothers. My mother had left my father to start a new life since he was not willing to help raise the kids they already had. He came to her place of employment and wanted her money and ended up raping her. I always wondered why my mother hated me growing up. I am the only girl in the family and she treated me horrible. Now it all makes sense. Trying to process all of this.
I cannot believe I have finally found others who have been through what I have been through. I found out last year at a family baby shower that my father raped my mother and I am the result. My 25 year old daughter was there, and she heard her grandmother tell the room that her husband, my father had forced her, she had no choice, so I was born. I am 58 years old.
Finally all the pieces of my life come together and fit and make a bit of sense. I always knew on some profound level that my parents loathed me. I was a top student and I was a published volunteer journalist at the age of 16. I wanted them to SEE me, notice me, something. I pushed myself as hard as I could until I collapsed in despair and depression.
I have lived with severe mental illness since I was 14. I have had dozens of hospitalizations, ECT and mountains of meds that never touched the hurt. I medication free now, it never helped, and the pain continues. I have learned to live with the psychic pain, but I get so so tired….
Awhile ago I started to learn about Reactive Detachment Disorder, cause it sure seemed to fit my experience. Now I am able to connect the dots. It makes sense. I was the third girl born in 3 years (life before birth control) and there was severe neglect, both physical and emotional. I have memories of my grade 5 teacher telling me in front of the whole class that my neck was dirty. My Dad was an educator but we lived in filth and squalor. My Mom escaped early to her beauty salon business and left all 5 of us kids to fend for ourselves. It did not end well.
But at last I understand…….I do. It all makes sense.
Now to heal? How to heal? At 58 the timeline starts getting a bit tight for healing from severe trauma. Not a whole lot I can do you know? I can write though. I have always been able to write. Perhaps I will meet other ladies like me and gain a bit of peace before I die.
I’m a rape child, 35 now iv know for 20 years, I don’t know a mothers love but have three wonderful kids myself that keep me going, my advice to mothers who have a child from rape, tell them as soon as you feel they will understand and if you are unable to love them give them up for adoption ASAP, and to specifically men who are products of rape you are not a monster and don’t try and drink your sorrows away it only makes things worse, focus on what makes you happy and don’t feel guilty about cutting ties with relatives, they don’t understand and never will, it will not benifit you being constantly reminded, I had chridren early at 17 and I can whole heartly say I would not be here if it weren’t for them. Peace
Here with a similar story to those above
In my mid 50s and the “magic” of DNA testing has confirmed what I’ve always guessed and frequently heard rumors about: I am the result of a biker gang rape.
Surprisingly, I know which one is my DNA contributor and he is still alive. I’ve known this into for almost a month
My mother is in total denial about me
My feelings of vengeance are really strong right now but I am sitting with it all and praying for healing.
I was told I was a product of rape at age 10 in the same conversation that included the sex explanation talk. My Mom couldn’t have any kids after me and always did her best to make me know I was loved, but also has a lot of anxiety and fear of safety that spread to me. Although she did her best my negative self talk was brutal, by age 12 I developed an eating disorder that would last on and off for about 10 years, I struggled with anxiety and depression along with a couple suicide attempts. Not knowing what half of my dna was created a black hole. At 23 I did a 23andMe dna test that helped, but even today it doesn’t fully alleviate the pain and uncertainty. It is a constant struggle of feeling like “I’m not enough” and I have to live my life making up for the harm that my paternal dna caused. I am a survivor of three of my own sexual assaults and when I told my mom about one of them she didn’t deny what happened, but also in many subtle ways blamed me for what happened. I quickly learned she blames herself, which is one of the reasons why she didn’t get support or an abortion- out of guilt, shame, and religion. Learning that information deepened the feeling that “I never should’ve existed”. To this day she has never sought mental health support and I wish I could help her. I have been in and out of therapy for almost 10 years now and it feels like the work is never over. The biggest take away if you were born of rape or are a survivor is to know- it is not your fault, you did what you could at the time to get through a terrible situation, you don’t choose your dna but you can choose your support system, there is nothing you can do now to undo the past but endless ways to make a better present and future, you have a choice in how you respond to the results of trauma, you are strong, capable, worthy, and loved. This too shall pass, the sun will rise and so will you.
Our daughter(now deceased) is the product of rape. As a child she displayed periods of depression. For years I tried to locate her biological mother, to no avail. Only recently I found out she located her mother several years before she died and her biological mother dissuaded her from a reunion. I now have a Grandson and two beautiful great granddaughters, and I am pleased they are products of a positive relationship.
Perhaps what we all need especially now during the pandemic is ‘our own support group’ heck, it might start a chain! We need this. As a child of rape that found his mom on Mother’s day 2 years ago and due to the pandemic have not been able to see her yet, we talk. She told me about what happened and she cried and I cried and we accepted and consoled each other…being I was adopted at 54 now, that’s what we do. We talk and we share and show empathy and understanding. We have God and we share all knowing He can fix all things through belief and prayer. Faith is a very near impossible thing for us mostly, faith is the way I use and my mum uses.
For others I can only suggest this…Being raped or being born of rape is not your fault, period. You are innocent! The problem is the aftermath! I think this is the issue at the heart of this discussion. I don’t have many answers, but I have survived this far and am one who looks at my mom with amazement and thanks…she had me, she knew it would be hard for both of us. We need men to stand up more for Women victims. Women are the true foundation of our society and being. Men are born of women and yet because victims are not being looked after this continues to destroy and erode moral society.
For my whole life…I’m 37..I had no idea who my father was I would ask my mom she would just say she didn’t remember… So I went to my family her friends trying to find my father… No one new anything my mom had me at 18. I just recently had a dna test while I waited for it to come in my mom said she would do it to. To help me find him…after it came out I found I had a half brother and found my father I also found out that he had killed himself in 08. While telling my mother about what I had found she freaked on me yelling that he had raped her and he wasn’t my father…idk what to do this make sense cause she wouldn’t talk to anyone about it I just figured if that was the case she would have told me sooner not offer to help me find him….but makes me understand my childhood more…if you have a child from rape and ur not sure how to say it just say u were taken advantage of don’t scream at them that u were raped my minds a mess I’m not sure I would have ever looked into my father if I had known! I kinda feel like I betrayed my mom just by looking…now I have seen a pic of him…and can see I’m in my children….
I was 10 years old when my mom told me I was conceived through a rape….my life from them on was not an easy one…she told me outta anger…I was raised in the foster care system…crazy thing is that I was forced to be around this man that did this to my Mom..later in life…ppl would leave me with him and force me to talk to him….as time time grew on it has just made me feel so many mixed emotions that hurt worse than a dagger…..I am conflicted now…I graduated from college a few years ago…and I have a daughter and one on the way….I feel like I’ll be hated by that man’s side because I don’t want my kids to be associated with him at all…. I have never been able to talk about my hurt because everyone on his side who I was forced to deal with told me its never the right time…its like my feelings don’t matter…now he has passed….I still live with this..til this day nobody will listen to me…..I am soooooo hurt…I wish I had a outlet…seeing all of you speak out gave me the courage to say something…
Hi Kay Kay, I’m in a similar situation to you. I found out around 11 years old that I was a product of it. I was adopted, so I found out through my adoptive father while driving home from sports.
I remember the night very clearly, which might be because it was only about 5 years ago. It never really effected me much to know he was such a person. Maybe because I repressed that information, or maybe because at the time it didn’t mean anything to me, so I ignored it. I was confused when my father told me to take my time to process the information, because I didn’t care all that much. I don’t remember exactly when I learned that he was dead, but he died when I was six, so I wont have to confront him, fortunately, but I would have liked to meet him at the same time. He sold drugs to keep food on the table, and died of an overdose. I also learned that he had a family with a son, who is 6 years older than me, and another son 1 1/2 years younger than me. I don’t think they are due to rape, though. I hope to meet my brothers soon. The eldest had the man in question as a dad, and has an okay mom, that I’m aware of. He has many issues though. The youngest was adopted just as I was, and as far as I know he has a great life so far. The eldest and I both have anxiety and ADHD. I assume the youngest does too, but I don’t know anything about him.
I’m highly conflicted on abortion and rape issues do to being this type of child. It’s 100% possible I have many other half siblings if he committed this act often and unknown.
We lead complicated and “damned” lives. We have to stick together and take care of each other. I wish you all the best, and remember; I care about you, and no matter how your life began it doesn’t change how very, very valuable and magical you are. I love you all <3
I found out just a year ago that I was the product of a rape. I was extremely shocked and it shed light on the strange behaviour of my mother, why she blamed me for everything. I don’t have any family because she pulled away everyone from me, I am totally alone. I wish I could find a group of people who are in the same boat as me, so that I could have friends
Thank you to everyone for sharing. It definitely helps me not feel so isolated in my mind about all this. Much love to you all!
My daughter is nearly 18 and for the first time asked about her father. The truth is, I was raped and never told anyone. I love my daughter and when I look at her I don’t see the trauma or pain caused, I only see love and feel so proud of the young lady she has become. I just don’t know how to break the news to her!!
Hi everyone,
My name is Philip. I too was born of sexual violence. – I am looking for a subject for a documentary film I am making about people born of rape. I will be following the lives of three different people in three different countries. I myself am based in the UK. If anyone is interested to reach out, or just to talk about their experiences, I am all ears.
We have an excellent support system in the UK for people like you, so please do send any e-mails and I promise to write back regardless whether you end up in the film and regardless your situation.
My e-mail is Philip.j.mcgoldrick@gmail.com
At age 62 I found out I was conceived as a result of a date rape of my mother. To make it worse she married him after the Catholic Church wouldn’t take me to be put up for adoption and my mother, being Catholic, would not abort me. He was physically and verbally abusive towards me. I ended up an addict and alcoholic to numb the feelings of inferiority. It took me until 50 to get into recovery. The hardest thing I deal with today is loving myself. But hope is never giving up. And I won’t! I am a good human being who deserves love just like any other human being, no matter how we were conceived. God doesn’t abandon the broken people. He is always here to give us the love we find so hard to give ourselves!
I’m 54 and was just told that I was born a product of rape. I have no idea what to do or how to feel with all of this new information. My identity is stripped from me. My culture is gone. Everyone that I thought was my family isn’t. I already have major depressive disorder and suicidal tendency which I’m medicated to control. I feel so completely betrayed by my mother. My head is spinning.
Paula, I feel your pain. I too found out from a biological family member who blurted it out as apparently I was never to be told. I found my birth mother at 37yrs of age and soon after was told I really struggle with this… I’m 55 now and really don’t know how to deal or where to go with this.
Until the age of 15, I was told that I was born out of a teenage romance that my mother had. Then at 15 during an argument with my mother she told me that I was born our of rape and that the rapist was a ‘tramp’ who had raped her when she was walking home one evening.
I later found out at 26 that in fact I was a result of rape by my mother’s stepfather. It has greatly affected me as I am deemed by her and my siblings to be the cursed one of the family and frequently excluded from family events and blamed for all the wrongs within the family. I stay away from family now, as I’ve been told so frequently that I look like him – and prefer not to ‘trigger’ any bad memories.
Over the years I’ve tried counselling, but have been unsuccessful in finding a counsellor that has any experience with this type of trauma. It’s such a taboo subject and very difficult to find the right understanding and support to deal with the psychological/emotional trauma.
Last year has been the greatest roller coaster of my life. I found out that I was raped at a young age, and then I found out I gave birth to a child. I don’t know where she is as I gave her up for adoption, but it hurts so much to know these truths. I wish I could meet her, and reading these comments shed so much light. I know that she would have a lot of questions, but I’m still processing the information. It hurts but there is healing in the name of Jesus! I will pray for everyone knowing that God is our healer, and that you are not alone!
Hi everyone,
Hope you are all well. I recently left a comment on this thread:
I am looking for a subject for a documentary film I am making about people born of rape. I will be following the lives of three different people in three different countries. I myself am based in the UK. If anyone is interested to reach out, or just to talk about their experiences, I am all ears.
We have an excellent support system in the UK for people like you, so please do send any e-mails and I promise to write back regardless whether you end up in the film and regardless your situation.
My e-mail is Philip.j.mcgoldrick@gmail.com
Many of you have already reached out to me and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. All of the stories really touched me.
I just wanted to inform you all, that there is now a GoFundMe Page aiming to help raise funds for the documentary. Any donations (can be anonymous!) would really take it to the next level and help our collective story to be told! Thank you very much in advance
I am the product of rape as well. I found out when I was 48 years old. I am 51 now and finally have a better mindset now. I never understood why I wasn’t loved, why I was physically, mentally, sexually abused and neglected. I always tried to be the best, do what was right, but it never made a difference. So many questions were answered when I found out. I was told by accident from my husband, my Mom told him sometime ago after we had gotten in a big argument.
Counselling has helped me to begin the healing process. My Dad passed away this past March, 6 months ago tonight. I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it. My Mom used the excuse for the rape as “you kept your Dad from having to go to the Vietnam War.” Only issue is my life with them was a war. I’ve had PTSD my whole life.
I could have went through life without knowing I wish my mother didn’t tell me
I too found out, by chance. I had lost my s.s. card and had to apply for a duplicate card. I told the lady at the Social Security office there was a mistake and the man’s name was not that of my father’s, she said “No mistake, you need to speak to your mom”. I called her at work, mom said I’ll speak to you when I get home. I walked five miles in a grey daze because it was then that I began to understand so many things. Everyone in my family, I have six siblings, knew except me. And to this day they think I didn’t suffer anything from this. Blindly turning away that my life at 16 took a dumpster dive and I’ve been trying to start over everyday since then, I’m 55 now. I love my mother, and asked if given the opportunity to abort me would she, it was the sixties when IT happened,… she said yes. What do you say to that, I was a grown man, married with three children of my own, and that grey daze came back all over again.
I am 45 now. I knew my whole life that I was product of rape. Was once even made to “visit” him and his family (I was about 8) for two weeks once. I stayed in a trailer on a Ranch, in the middle of no where. It was weird.
My mom was abusive and would call me names and when she said “you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me” or “I brought you into this world I can take you out of it” it had a whole new meaning than when my friends parents said it. I was beaten down and was never able to forget where I came from or how I came to be. My mom still has issues and our relationship is tenuous and full of boundaries she can’t seem to understand. I have had a lot of issues myself because of it. Will always flinch anytime I hear my mom yell in her Very Angry voice. But I am doing well and did not become abusive like she was. I wish more people like us could do more to bring light to our realities and struggles.
I am 55 years old and recently found out i was born by my father raping my mother. i have many questions bc all my life i felt unloved and that i was never enough. i want to know is there a trauma from the womb or how i was treated due to her rape?
Good morning it is 6:07 in the morning and I’m up worried searching for some answers I came across your post and sad to say I am going through it with my grown son now and him finding out from my sister in a fight he was a result of my rape for many years it’s been hard to deal with it I was waiting until I went back home to Jamaica to sit him down and explain it to him its father here to the USA I even found myself hoping your mouth a couple of times just so he could apologize and maybe explain why he did what he did that did not work out good now I’m torn between finishing up helping my son to be here with me and he is refusing we also have children and in order for me to help them he has to agree to sign the papers I already paid the lawyers I don’t want to lose my money I really do want to help but he’s upset he’s mad and I don’t know what to do he has resulted to alcoholic
And it is disturbing me and my mother because of her Christianity herself and my late father who do not believe in abortion they encouraged me to care of my child they even moved me to the countryside to avoid the embarrassment and right after I had my baby I asked if it was okay to bring him back to the city where they raise them for me as I migrated to the USA for a better life I lost my dad I didn’t get to say goodbye I tried my best to send you what I have each month to care for my mother and my son until I found out he was basically using me getting money from me to pay his child support while he lives with another woman who was fully supporting him and his children it has been a constant embarrassment and disrespect
The amount of things that come out of his mouth sometimes I say to myself I understand but do I as I continue with my life here in the USA the stress of being here not able to work and worried all the time as a result take into when I hypertension and now kidney failure I am on the last dialysis I wanted to do what was right just in case you know what now I don’t know what to do I want to reach my child I have been away from him ever since he was 9 he was born in 1984 I miss him I love him but I am confused thank you
I am a 14 year old girl. I was adopted when I was a baby. I just recently learned I was a rape baby. I have always had depression and anxiety, but I have had a very strong sense of guilt after finding out how I was conceived. It pains me to know my mother can look at me and ask which of my traits come from a mad man or her sweet sister. I hate the fact my sweet little aunt has to look at me and think of that traumatizing time. I too, look at myself and wonder if any of my traits come from him. I constantly feel like I shouldn’t be alive. I always feel illegal. Thank you for this information it actually helps me cope, I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this.
I’ve never found where l fit in. My mother unfortunately kept me and l paid my whole life for her rape. I’m now 58 yrs old. I was diagnosed with ptsd and major depression. I have no friends, l have no family to call my own. I’m not suicidal but always told God I’m ready to leave this horrible place any time he wants me. I figure a life without love is no life at all.
15 yrs ago I was raped and beaten for 4 hrs straight, My beautiful daughter now 15 has just found out what happened to me and the man that’s raised and loved her is not her biological father, she wants to meet the man that did this to me and I don’t know what to do
First I want to say you folks are all so brave. I read every comment you are all valid. I’ll leave my story for anyone else.
When I was young I noticed I look different than my family. My mother was always very hateful to me. I was her first child but she had three more. They all look very similar even though they have different fathers.
I have some obvious differences and many people thought I looked Hispanic, my biological family being white. They used to call me racist slurs, especially ones they invented because I’m mixed. The funny thing is they also believed I was Hispanic as my mother said my dad was her first boyfriend and he was Puerto Rican.
My mom was an alcoholic and she used to frequently get wasted and come in my room to be the shit out of me. She would always say things like she was talking to someone else. She never really protected me from any of her many boyfriends. She let one man take a leather belt to my whole body after stripping me naked. He tore into me for what felt like eternity. Then my mom put a vinegar soaked blanket around me and made me lay down to sleep. I was four years old when that happened. I’m 25 now and I still can remember it all so clearly because I learned lessons.
A few times when she was blackout drunk she would say things I had never heard. She told me vivid stories of her own abuse. And one story she was mad at me but I’m autistic so I miss things. The story she was saying that a guy she knew and his black friend took turns raping her in a car when she was 17. I was born when she was 18 and even in her made up story she said she got pregnant at 17. I had a dna test as a kid that said her boyfriend wasn’t my father. However she spun a tale that it was a false negative and she received a letter that said the test was bad. I learned later that she was a compulsive liar but that the thing is she would always be honest when she was drunk. She told me she should’ve killed me, aborted me, she hates me, etc. I always wondered why the Arian Brotherhood people she knew would show up and act cold to me when I didn’t do anything bad. They liked my siblings. Anyway after some years of much abuse my sister actually spoke out and we all got taken away by CPS. I was 14 when we were taken out and it’s taken years to piece it all together.
The nail in the coffin was the 23andMe test. Turns out I’m black and white. So the unnamed black rapist is my sperm donor. But she should’ve just killed me instead of what life was. I am filled with so much hate. But never sexual, no quite the opposite. When I hear about rapes or see rape scenes I can’t take it. I was never raped only molested but even before that I knew something was fucked up in my head. When my little sister told me she was getting molested I tried to fight the guy (he was a sexual partner of my mother, also he was 17 and going to my high school). But he wasn’t malnourished and abused his whole life so he kicked the shit outta me. Ever since then I don’t want to fight I want to kill. I woke up to him in my sisters bed one day and I blacked out but there I was with a knife on his neck. The only reason he lives is because no one would’ve been there for my sister.
Anyways I apologize for the long winded post. I just haven’t been able to really talk about this with anyone. My biological mother became strung out on meth, my baby sister died under “mysterious” circumstances at the age of 10. My brother is off the grid due to his many mental illnesses. He told me he has thought of rape before so I can’t really talk to him anyway.
My sister is fucking killing it. She has handled her sexual assault with the highest level of control I have seen, and is doing a s good as a young adult can in the current society. And as fucked up as it sounds I am somehow mentally stable. Or at least I contribute to society and after all this time I want to live. The anxiety has been with me as long as I can remember but now I can live with it.
If you’re reading this I’m sorry you had to hear all of that. And you are strong to. You will overcome. If it’s not love, let your hate carry you. Many suicide attempts ended for me because I hated myself but I hated the systems that allowed me to exist that way even more. And honestly I’m okay with me now. I just have moments like this with high emotion.
To the 45 yr old men, I too am 45yrs old and found out 15yrs ago my father was actually a rapist. I’m so confused, I don’t know who I am, I can’t hardly remember my childhood, only bad things.
I want to talk to others, I have only just plucked up the courage to talk.
I’m not sure where to turn, I don’t trust anyone.
I found out I was the product of rape as a very young child. I was never treated the same as my younger siblings. I feel bad for my mom she tried her best. It’s been a heavy burden to carry for a lot of years. I’ve never felt wanted. I suffer from ptsd and anxiety/ panic disorder.
Hi everyone. I learned 15 years ago that my mom was raped at the age of 17. The man who raped her, walked away. My father, my precious daddy, raised me as his own and I love him more every day for the memories we continue to create. I learned that my mom suffered extreme mental and emotional trauma while carrying me. Feelings of guilt, hurt and someway I guess did not feel that ‘bond’ with me. I blame the man who raped my mom for all she suffered through, what I have suffered through and continue to. I’ve struggled trying to reach out to this man. Over and over again, no response. My ‘sperm donor’, I’ll call him…lives but moments from me and is a huge business man here in our town. I haven’t been able to work for quite some time. My requests from him were for financial assistance. I think I at least deserve the opportunity to face him and tell him what his actions has caused my mother and I. I need financial help, and am I being selfish in asking him to help me? Doesn’t he at least owe me that???