Love is War: Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder
Blind-sided by the one you love, the one you married.
Learning about your spouse’s infidelity can be emotionally and physically devastating. The emotional damage is reflected in what some mental health professionals call Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD), for the stress and emotional turmoil experienced afterward.
Psychologist Dennis Ortman, author of Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder, describes the term as “not to suggest a new diagnostic category but to suggest a parallel with post-traumatic stress disorder, which has been well documented and researched.”
In Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), re-experiencing the trauma repeatedly is the first of three categories of symptoms described. The disorder is marked by flashbacks of war for veterans, nightmares of the accident for car wreck survivors, and painful memories of abuse for survivors of intra-familial trauma.
So too, in PISD husbands and wives will replay the painful realization of betrayal. Even after the initial fall-out, people will have recurring thoughts of their partner with another.
Psychologist and certified sex therapist, Barry Bass, adds, “Like trauma victims, it is not unusual for betrayed spouses to replay in their minds previously assumed benign events,” those times when their spouse became defensive when asked a simple question, or the late nights at work, or the text messages from unnamed friends, all of these become viewed as possible deceitful acts.
The second category of symptoms for PTSD, avoidance and emotional numbing, is seen in PISD as well. Rage or despair that comes after the initial shock of discovering the infidelity can be followed by a state of emotional hollowness. Formerly pleasurable activities lose their appeal. Those who were cheated on sometimes withdraw from friends and family and describe feelings of emptiness.
The last category of PTSD symptoms, hyper-vigilance and insomnia, can also arise for those dealing with infidelity. Sleep patterns become erratic; and concentration becomes a challenge, affecting work performance and family life.
PISD can have physical consequences as well as emotional ones. The stress of discovering infidelity can lead to what has been dubbed broken heart syndrome, also termed stress cardiomyopathy. The American Heart Association describes symptoms such as sudden chest pain, leading to the sense that one is having a heart attack. Physical or emotional stressors, such as a loved one passing or major surgery trigger a surge of stress hormones that temporarily affect the heart. The condition typically reverses within a week.
Despite the stress, there is life after an affair. Due to the symptomatic similarities, therapists are now beginning to use PTSD counseling techniques to help couples either stay together or move on.
Exposure and cognitive restructuring are techniques used when dealing with traumatic memories. In exposure, spouses are asked to gradually imagine those heart-wrenching moments and to cope with them gradually, whereas cognitive restructuring substitutes irrational thoughts, feelings, and behaviours induced by the trauma, with adaptive ones.
Counselors use these “trauma focused” explorations with clients, sifting through the distressing memories and aversive feelings, to help build the client’s self-esteem and confidence in dealing with the betrayal or loss of the relationship.
Therapists are also working with their clients to help them understand the unique reasons that led to the infidelity. Understanding why the affair occurred can help both people.
Along with help from family and friends, wounds can be bandaged and trust restored. Infidelity trauma and the time and strength involved in recovery remind us that love, like war, can have its casualties.
Justin Garzon, Contributing Writer
Very interesting topic, we hear a lot about how to get over affairs, but never hear it described as PTSD – which it really is. I can see how treatment for PTSD would be helpful to those who have been betrayed, though I wonder what role the cheating partner would then play in the scenario. Would he/she be involved somehow in the process or would it be on an individual level? Or would it be couples therapy?
This article speaks more to the issue of when couples therapy is warranted:
http://www.psy-ed.com/wpblog/couples-therapy/
Knowing what are the common thought processes experienced by the cheated individuals will help them understand theirreactions. Providing a better understanding and some much needed relief from their emotional agony.
I have no doubt that I have PTSD due to my husbands infidelity. I am seeking professional help. What can I do to help myself? It’s been nearly six months since he told me. I can’t seem to move on.
I hear Ya Karen! I found out….and not because he told me. I feel so weak feeling like I will never get over this.
All the best to you. Good luck!
It has been a year and three months since I found out about my husband. My ptsd is still there. He has tried everything to make it up to me. He is a better husband than he’s ever been in the last 20 yrs. But I still can’t get past it. I feel no love right now in my life. Except for my children. Everything has changed. I stayed with faith from our biblical Counsler that if we made it through this we would be given a wonderful gift. That God would bless us. Well it hasn’t happened yet bc I am suffering from major depression and no longer feel “in love” with my husband. I feel like he’s a friend. And that he’d be better off with someone that’s in love with him. But he refuses to accept that when I tell him. He tells me we have to keep fighting. I don’t know how much longer I can. I am miserable inside. Feeling nauseous all the time. Numb. Just getting through each day. Already on medication. I knew at the moment that he confessed to me that it was the end. He had made an irreparable mistake to our lives. It took everything from me that I felt for him. Never in my life did I think I could stop loving this man. The pain from that is even worse than the affair I think. We pray together. I pray alone. I keep trying to stay positive. Nothing changes.
I know how it is. Three years after D-day. I am numb still. I have attacks. Depression. Medication made it worse. I live that’s all. If anyone is thinking about having an affair…don’t. you don’t know the damage you cause. Doctors will tell you you must think this way or that way. With PTSD that does not work. I was happy once. A father, husband, good job…I don’t even feel anything for my kids anymore. Just numb. Waiting for the next anxiety attack. The next emotional breakdown…it sucks. Three years. I so want it to end.
It’s been 3 months since she told me she was having an affair with my husband . 3 months since he rushed home and told me we have to talk I made a mistake . He’s tried to make it up to me , he’s been a good husband and a good father . The images that replay in my mind are on repeat . I even dream of her . I cannot get over this but I still love him . We’re seeing a marriage counselor but its not helping honestly . The pain I feel is the worst pain I’ve ever felt . I think it’s either gonna drive me crazy or kill me .i can’t handle it anymore .lies upon lies .
Five years ago, I learned of my wife’s affair when I saw the text messages between her and her coworker. We have a young child who meas more than life itself to me. So I stayed in the marriage and up until recently, I never thought about it. Unfortunately, I’ve regressed back to the affair and I don’t know why. I made the mistake of re-reading the same texts which have launched me into an emotional downward spiral. Worst part is that I cannot talk to anyone about it. I feel lost. Alone. Unloved. I never knew what I was experiencing could be related to PTSD. Reading this article really put a perspective on what I’m feeling. I couldn’t find words to describe it before now. I’m sitting here, writing this post with tears in my eyes and grief in my heart. I really hope there’s medication to help me calm my anxiety. It’s not fair to me or my family. Especially my wife who has tried endlessly to show me that she loves me.
My husband had a three year affair with his secretary almost 34 years ago and I am still not over it. It ruined our marriage and in hindsight, we should have divorced. It was a year prior to our youngest daughters birth…. yes, while I was pregnant, delivered, and the year and a half after she was born he was involved with her. Writing this now, I can’t hardly believe I stayed in the relationship. We have had a basically sexless marriage ever since. I am so sad I didn’t seek more help for myself, but I only did limited counseling. I write this to say. It is trauma, and it can slowly destroy you. Take care of yourself.
I have P.I.S.D. as well.My girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me,lied about it,then dumped me for that inferior person.We have 2 beautiful kids together.It’s been Hell for a month and a half.Recently,we’ve talked about getting back together eventually.We’re supposed to start couple’s counseling sometime next month but I don’t think she’s aware of the damage she’s truly caused.She’s become a completely different person.
I also believe that she’s waiting for the counselor to tell her what to do.She said she wants to get back together but she’s hesitant.I feel as though if she truly wants me back,she won’t care of the fights.At this point,hope and time are all I have while I’m in this dark place.
It’s been six months since I initially found out and two months since finding out everything. My life as I knew it is over. I love my husband so much and I thank god he still wants to be here but inside I’m a different person now. I feel an emptiness and loss of my own self worth. I want to make this work as I truly am in love with him and I believe he is still in live with me. But how do u get past it? It is taking over my thoughts daily and consumes me and I can’t let it go. I will end be the one to ruin us if I’m not careful and I don’t want to do that. He is trying everything in his power to convince me and show me but now they are just words to me with no meaning.
My husband and my closest girlfriend betrayed me 5 years ago when they had an affair. My husband and I remained married, as did my ex-friend and her partner. However, quite quickly our circle of friends gradually excluded us and socialized with the other couple. I found this the most painful aspect.
I suffered a lot emotionally for 4 years then seemed to settle. Lockdown helped – I didn’t have to overhear news of parties and dinners that we’d not been invited to because no one was getting together.
A music festival just happened in 2021 and the news that once again all had camped and partied together as we once did with them before the crappy affair has rocked me. All the sickening feelings and sadness has returned. I feel lonely and my husband doesn’t get it. My life has changed irreversibly. It feels shitty and my heart feels like it is breaking once more. When will it ever stop and why have friends overlooked us?