Poem, Poetry, Mental Health, Trauma, Depression, Broken, Trust, Anxiety, Motivation, Perfection, Relationships, Words, Reality

Who Am I Trying To Be?

Cara Delevingne, actress and model, shares her personal experiences with anxiety and depression at the 2019 Women in The World summit. The video, shared on YouTube, shows Delevingne speaking about her experiences with depression. She speaks about her depression starting at age fifteen, which caused her to go in and out of school and later turn to modelling at seventeen. The poem is a powerful portrayal of her feelings of hurt, emptiness, and loneliness. Delevingne speaks at the summit about not knowing who you are, feelings of insecurity and feeling that you are not good enough.

Delevingne states: “I thought I was completely alone, I also realized how lucky I was with what a wonderful family, wonderful friends I had but, that didn’t matter I wanted the world to swallow me up and nothing seemed better to me than death.” However, she also speaks about the power of learning to stand up for yourself and say no. She comments: “when I was a kid I always wanted to change the world because all kids think they are going to be superheroes… I have so many messages in terms of just young girls and how the mental illness and depression is not something to be ashamed of. I wish at that time I had realized that other people go through it, that I can talk to other people… you’re not alone, you’re not an alien. My message has always been to accept yourself no matter what, to love yourself, and to embrace your flaws.”

Who am I? Who am I trying to be?
Not myself, anyone but myself.
Living in a fantasy to bury the reality,
Making myself the mystery,
A strong facade disguising the misery.
Empty, but beyond the point of emptiness,
Full to brim with fake confidence,
A guard that will never be broken,
Because I broke a long time ago.
I’m hurting but don’t tell anyone.
No one needs to know.
Don’t show or you’ve failed.
Always okay, always fine, always on show.
The show must go on.
It will never stop.
The show must not go on,
But I know it will.
I give up. I give up giving up.
I am lost.
I don’t need to be saved,
I need to be found.

-Cara Delevingne


Image Credit:
Feature: Andrew Neel at Unsplash, Creative Commons